when we’re immortalized in the sky, it will be side by side”

hope is a word I didn’t understand until I met you

because I never let myself be gifted something so precious

but you stormed in all fire and fight and I never had a chance

and the minute you said my name

part of my heart carved itself out of my chest

and dripping blood, just like my hands, gave those pieces to you

so as long as breath comes from your lungs

the feeling of hope will burn inside my soul

the thing that is made with echoes of you

and I know that home is not a place, it’s the sound of your voice

it’s the reassurance that flows in my body when you touch me

it’s the way I know that we’ll always find each other

oh, my beloved, the constellations are jealous legends

and they know that we are already rewriting them

so, yes, when we’re immortalized in the sky, it will be side by side”

-elica frank

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Exclusively MINE

Everytime i sit to pen down somthing new, i end up writing only about you.

They ask me why him after all this time, 

I smile and say ” because he loves me as much as i love him and he gives me a feeling of entireness. ”  – And one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual, so when they are, drop everything down, forget the expectations and disappointments, ignore the wrongs and stop the blame games – because this is it !

This is what the entire world is after and i have stumbled upon it by chance, by accident. The harder i love, the harder he loves. The harder i try, the harder he tries. The harder i push, the harder he pulls.

After all this time i have realised this is love to me and its one hell of a ride, i must enjoy, hold on tighter, scream and look further cause 

Its all MINE – the feeling the quest the person the love. EXCLUSIVELY MINE.

-elicafrank

Sundry

When I told him we are so different actually different aint even a word we are exactly opposite. He always said with his perfect smirk ” baby opposites attract , trust me we are just perfect.”

 But then with time..

 I realized that people grow and learn because of each other’s differences. People learn to appreciate other people because they make the effort to understand them and get used to their differences.

I learned that he and I got too comfortable with each other to the point where we thought that it’s okay for us to do these little things that we thought wouldn’t hurt the other. I learned that although we had so much in common, we still had so much different views and opinions. I learned that it’s wrong to pretend that you know or understand the other person in hopes of impressing them. I learned that in a relationship, it’s wrong to force myself into liking the same things as you do just so that it would seem like we still have this connection going on between us.

-elica frank

Self love feels

I want to write myself a beautiful poetry just like how I write for the person I’m in love with.

For once, I want to hold myself tight just like how I comforted my friends when they felt low and frustrated.

For once, I want to accept myself and my flaws just like how I accepted other people’s imperfection.

For once, I want to make myself happy just like how I cheer others when they’re sad and disappointed.

For once, I want to be appreciated for the good I have done and not judged by my mistakes.

For once, I want to give myself assurance that I can do things just like how I believe in other people’s capabilities.

For once, I want to love myself genuinely just like how I give love to other people who were there for me.

For once, I want to focus on myself, I want to rebuild what I’ve lost and to recover what I have threw away about myself, about me.

Today, I feel that putting yourself first was never wrong and will never be wrong, putting yourself first is another way of saying

 “I love me, I can do this with the help of myself”

-Elica frank

Mithe soul

 Don’t be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask always, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me. So do not be fooled.I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and peaceful with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, and coolness with a “k” is my game; that the weather is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one and most of all my life is complete and I’m perfect.

But do not believe me. My outer surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath my mask lies no peace, no quiet. Beneath dwells the real me: in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I do  not want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and my fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance of other people, from your glance. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game. Outside, a mask of assurance. Inside, a trembling child. And so begins the parade of masks. I pretend to talk to you calmly, but that is only a surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me. So when I am going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but which I cannot say. Loving family and a lost list of best friends, worried and concerned always for me. Guiding me when I need, being there for me always. Listening to my rants all night long – yet i feel lost and unsure to reveal my fears. I feel forced to fake this mask of perfection and satisfaction. Because no one actually wants to hold my hand and look into the emptiness of my soul. No one actually wants to hold my hand and help me overcome my guilt. No one wants to hold my hand and help me fight my fears. No one wants me to be me most of all. So i hide under this mask the real me wanting to be unveil.

-elicafrank.

Tranquil quest

Endless rants and cavils going on between us force you to stay away from me in order to avoid another conflict ? Some more misunderstandings ?

  I have known you for  years now and I know how your attention and affection feels like ; i cannot take in any less ! my expectaions had raised so high, that they felt like a burdern for you ?  some years back I remember sipping my coffee and you reached out for my hands, intertwined our fingers and looked straight into my eyes and u said, “baby your dreams are my aim of life now. I’ll fulfil all of them. All you have to do is dream, and leave the rest to me. ” – the strange part is even after all this time I remember every conversation word to word and the worst part is I cant mask my emotions like you do.

But Words are just adjectives to meanings, just as verbs try to define actions of people and memories are just reminders of good times turing into bad, happiness into pain, desire into disgust. Its 12 am and I lay in bed writing this out but somethings aren’t meant to be explained or expressed but meant to be just perfectly untamed and a beautiful mess of emotions, lies, promises and betrayal of fate.

-elicafrank

Will never forgive but also will never forget.

We sat there ‘to talk’ i kept ignoring you and concentrating on the coffee mug , but every time I looked up you were staring at me blankly without any emotion on your face. Finally I had to speak up. “Please stop doing this to me” I bow my head to avoid your intense gaze.

“Doing what?”you asked me in confusion and reached out to hold my hand seeing the expression on my face.

“Making me feel like you want me, looking at me like you love me” I met your eyes and I didn’t think twice to stop my tears from falling because,

 this-was it ! No longer could I pretend I know nothing about you and her and the thing that was going on.

“Please stop acting like I am special, please stop holding my hands like you don’t want it to let go, please stop acting like you care, please stop saying you want me in your life, please stop doing things like these – I told u not to make promises, but u did make a million promises and one by one broke all of them. I told you I’m scared to see dreams because they hurt when they break, but you showed me a million dreams and broke each one of them. I told you im happy with you being my friend, my best friend and that love only brings pain, but u confessed love over and over and when I was learning to believe in the magic of love you were already loving her.” I can feel my knees shaking, I can feel my heart inside me breaking into a million pieces but I need to also put up that im oh so strong and it dont care.

“Please stop doing things you didn’t mean, please stop deceiving me, just stop, please stop” I wiped my tears and started to walk away, from your grip, from your life-this time with no intension of returning. Nothing has ever felt so difficult than this- waiting for your apology but not wanting to forgive. Waiting for you to stop me or chase me but not wanting to stay. Loving unconditional is a quest these days, they test you in multiple ways and conditions are evitable.

-elica frank

Eclipse

“Promise me something.”

“what?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me it doesn’t end here. I know we are falling apart. I can feel it in my heart and soul, that we are falling apart at the seams. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand it. I feel like I can’t breathe because I’m scared that this is it. I’m petrified that this will be the last moment I’m alone with you. I’m scared that this is it and I don’t want it to end here. Promise me that we don’t end here.”

“I walked through a proverbial hell for you and with you. I held you while you cried. I tried to remain strong and some moments I was so weak I cried to you over the phone or just hugged you and let the tears flow, let the heart beat raise and fall. Because in you I gained strength. In you I found love, friendship and companionship. I can feel it too, that we are falling apart, but I can promise you it doesn’t end here. A bond – where you are the spark in my darkness, color to my life, reason to survive, aim of my life, happiness to my soul, sugar to my coffee. A mental connection like ours, a physical attraction like ours, a chemistry like ours- can not be forced  and we aint lucky we are blessed to have it. THIS BOND OF OURS IS WONDROUS AND ETERNAL. It doesn’t end here, it doesn’t end here not in just one lifetime.”

-Elica frank(tbh/memoriesofhim//Excerpt of a book I’ll never write)

Lovestruck

Maybe its the way your eyes

light up when you talk, or the way 

Your lips curl into a smile

 when you find something funny.

Or the way the sweat forms on your nose even in winter,

 or how your face runs red when your angry.

I don’t know why, but everytime

I hear your voice, my stomach is filled with

butterflies that flutter around restlessly, 

and my heartbeat quickens 

I love the way you say my name

 even when you are screaming in anger .

and every time you make eye contact with me I’m lost in your eyes.

the way you make me laugh at your silly jokes makes me smile to my self when im alone, 

Or the way you walk around awkwardly but pretending to be a hipster

or the way u blush when I point out your mistakes.

those little things may mean nothing to you.

but they mean everything to me.

-elicafrank

Holding hands with HIM

​​For me the idea of holding hands is incredibly intimidating. But the idea of him holding my hand is always going to be tantalizing. Because holding his hands is more than the perfectly intertwined fingers, its more like holding a treasure that i was lucky enough to find, he was stupid enough to hold my hand when he knew nothing about holding on to or holding together.when he first held hands with me i remember how perfectly shaped they looked together, My hand looked tiny in his hand, we sat there admiring how different in sizes our hands were yet perfectly fitted together i was lost in how just the simple act of holding his hand can give me a feeling of safety, sweaty hand with a hint of icy shiver, i was disturbed by his voice ” yours hands are so small and fragile , while my hands are big and rough i’m excited about how our kids hands are going to be like.” i pushed him away and laughed at him and replied with “your a kid for now!! first grow up”  But its all a part of our memories now, or maybe my memories. now he holds her hand with the same old smile plastered on his face, I just sit here and wonder how it might have felt to hold another girls hand, after you held mine.I wonder if those hands sweated or shivered, like they did when we held hands. Most of all i wonder if it felt wrong ? or mismatched ? did yours fingers meshed in an awkward position? do you remember holding hands with me ? or did you for once wish it was my hand you were still holding ?all i want is just to hold your hand; i reached out but only to find air filling the spaces between my fingers.

elica frank