Mithe soul

 Don’t be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask always, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me. So do not be fooled.I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and peaceful with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, and coolness with a “k” is my game; that the weather is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one and most of all my life is complete and I’m perfect.

But do not believe me. My outer surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath my mask lies no peace, no quiet. Beneath dwells the real me: in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I do  not want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and my fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance of other people, from your glance. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game. Outside, a mask of assurance. Inside, a trembling child. And so begins the parade of masks. I pretend to talk to you calmly, but that is only a surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me. So when I am going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but which I cannot say. Loving family and a lost list of best friends, worried and concerned always for me. Guiding me when I need, being there for me always. Listening to my rants all night long – yet i feel lost and unsure to reveal my fears. I feel forced to fake this mask of perfection and satisfaction. Because no one actually wants to hold my hand and look into the emptiness of my soul. No one actually wants to hold my hand and help me overcome my guilt. No one wants to hold my hand and help me fight my fears. No one wants me to be me most of all. So i hide under this mask the real me wanting to be unveil.



Tranquil quest

Endless rants and cavils going on between us force you to stay away from me in order to avoid another conflict ? Some more misunderstandings ?

  I have known you for  years now and I know how your attention and affection feels like ; i cannot take in any less ! my expectaions had raised so high, that they felt like a burdern for you ?  some years back I remember sipping my coffee and you reached out for my hands, intertwined our fingers and looked straight into my eyes and u said, “baby your dreams are my aim of life now. I’ll fulfil all of them. All you have to do is dream, and leave the rest to me. ” – the strange part is even after all this time I remember every conversation word to word and the worst part is I cant mask my emotions like you do.

But Words are just adjectives to meanings, just as verbs try to define actions of people and memories are just reminders of good times turing into bad, happiness into pain, desire into disgust. Its 12 am and I lay in bed writing this out but somethings aren’t meant to be explained or expressed but meant to be just perfectly untamed and a beautiful mess of emotions, lies, promises and betrayal of fate.