Mithe soul

 Don’t be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask always, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me. So do not be fooled.I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and peaceful with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, and coolness with a “k” is my game; that the weather is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one and most of all my life is complete and I’m perfect.

But do not believe me. My outer surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath my mask lies no peace, no quiet. Beneath dwells the real me: in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I do  not want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and my fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance of other people, from your glance. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game. Outside, a mask of assurance. Inside, a trembling child. And so begins the parade of masks. I pretend to talk to you calmly, but that is only a surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me. So when I am going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but which I cannot say. Loving family and a lost list of best friends, worried and concerned always for me. Guiding me when I need, being there for me always. Listening to my rants all night long – yet i feel lost and unsure to reveal my fears. I feel forced to fake this mask of perfection and satisfaction. Because no one actually wants to hold my hand and look into the emptiness of my soul. No one actually wants to hold my hand and help me overcome my guilt. No one wants to hold my hand and help me fight my fears. No one wants me to be me most of all. So i hide under this mask the real me wanting to be unveil.

-elicafrank.

Tranquil quest

Endless rants and cavils going on between us force you to stay away from me in order to avoid another conflict ? Some more misunderstandings ?

  I have known you for  years now and I know how your attention and affection feels like ; i cannot take in any less ! my expectaions had raised so high, that they felt like a burdern for you ?  some years back I remember sipping my coffee and you reached out for my hands, intertwined our fingers and looked straight into my eyes and u said, “baby your dreams are my aim of life now. I’ll fulfil all of them. All you have to do is dream, and leave the rest to me. ” – the strange part is even after all this time I remember every conversation word to word and the worst part is I cant mask my emotions like you do.

But Words are just adjectives to meanings, just as verbs try to define actions of people and memories are just reminders of good times turing into bad, happiness into pain, desire into disgust. Its 12 am and I lay in bed writing this out but somethings aren’t meant to be explained or expressed but meant to be just perfectly untamed and a beautiful mess of emotions, lies, promises and betrayal of fate.

-elicafrank

Will never forgive but also will never forget.

We sat there ‘to talk’ i kept ignoring you and concentrating on the coffee mug , but every time I looked up you were staring at me blankly without any emotion on your face. Finally I had to speak up. “Please stop doing this to me” I bow my head to avoid your intense gaze.

“Doing what?”you asked me in confusion and reached out to hold my hand seeing the expression on my face.

“Making me feel like you want me, looking at me like you love me” I met your eyes and I didn’t think twice to stop my tears from falling because,

 this-was it ! No longer could I pretend I know nothing about you and her and the thing that was going on.

“Please stop acting like I am special, please stop holding my hands like you don’t want it to let go, please stop acting like you care, please stop saying you want me in your life, please stop doing things like these – I told u not to make promises, but u did make a million promises and one by one broke all of them. I told you I’m scared to see dreams because they hurt when they break, but you showed me a million dreams and broke each one of them. I told you im happy with you being my friend, my best friend and that love only brings pain, but u confessed love over and over and when I was learning to believe in the magic of love you were already loving her.” I can feel my knees shaking, I can feel my heart inside me breaking into a million pieces but I need to also put up that im oh so strong and it dont care.

“Please stop doing things you didn’t mean, please stop deceiving me, just stop, please stop” I wiped my tears and started to walk away, from your grip, from your life-this time with no intension of returning. Nothing has ever felt so difficult than this- waiting for your apology but not wanting to forgive. Waiting for you to stop me or chase me but not wanting to stay. Loving unconditional is a quest these days, they test you in multiple ways and conditions are evitable.

-elica frank

Eclipse

“Promise me something.”

“what?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me it doesn’t end here. I know we are falling apart. I can feel it in my heart and soul, that we are falling apart at the seams. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand it. I feel like I can’t breathe because I’m scared that this is it. I’m petrified that this will be the last moment I’m alone with you. I’m scared that this is it and I don’t want it to end here. Promise me that we don’t end here.”

“I walked through a proverbial hell for you and with you. I held you while you cried. I tried to remain strong and some moments I was so weak I cried to you over the phone or just hugged you and let the tears flow, let the heart beat raise and fall. Because in you I gained strength. In you I found love, friendship and companionship. I can feel it too, that we are falling apart, but I can promise you it doesn’t end here. A bond – where you are the spark in my darkness, color to my life, reason to survive, aim of my life, happiness to my soul, sugar to my coffee. A mental connection like ours, a physical attraction like ours, a chemistry like ours- can not be forced  and we aint lucky we are blessed to have it. THIS BOND OF OURS IS WONDROUS AND ETERNAL. It doesn’t end here, it doesn’t end here not in just one lifetime.”

-Elica frank(tbh/memoriesofhim//Excerpt of a book I’ll never write)

Lovestruck

Maybe its the way your eyes

light up when you talk, or the way 

Your lips curl into a smile

 when you find something funny.

Or the way the sweat forms on your nose even in winter,

 or how your face runs red when your angry.

I don’t know why, but everytime

I hear your voice, my stomach is filled with

butterflies that flutter around restlessly, 

and my heartbeat quickens 

I love the way you say my name

 even when you are screaming in anger .

and every time you make eye contact with me I’m lost in your eyes.

the way you make me laugh at your silly jokes makes me smile to my self when im alone, 

Or the way you walk around awkwardly but pretending to be a hipster

or the way u blush when I point out your mistakes.

those little things may mean nothing to you.

but they mean everything to me.

-elicafrank

Holding hands with HIM

​​For me the idea of holding hands is incredibly intimidating. But the idea of him holding my hand is always going to be tantalizing. Because holding his hands is more than the perfectly intertwined fingers, its more like holding a treasure that i was lucky enough to find, he was stupid enough to hold my hand when he knew nothing about holding on to or holding together.when he first held hands with me i remember how perfectly shaped they looked together, My hand looked tiny in his hand, we sat there admiring how different in sizes our hands were yet perfectly fitted together i was lost in how just the simple act of holding his hand can give me a feeling of safety, sweaty hand with a hint of icy shiver, i was disturbed by his voice ” yours hands are so small and fragile , while my hands are big and rough i’m excited about how our kids hands are going to be like.” i pushed him away and laughed at him and replied with “your a kid for now!! first grow up”  But its all a part of our memories now, or maybe my memories. now he holds her hand with the same old smile plastered on his face, I just sit here and wonder how it might have felt to hold another girls hand, after you held mine.I wonder if those hands sweated or shivered, like they did when we held hands. Most of all i wonder if it felt wrong ? or mismatched ? did yours fingers meshed in an awkward position? do you remember holding hands with me ? or did you for once wish it was my hand you were still holding ?all i want is just to hold your hand; i reached out but only to find air filling the spaces between my fingers.

elica frank

My sapphire

I met him out of the blue at a very captious time in life. When I was all broken , my trust on people fading and my desire to be alive was almost dead. He came along being all to common to notice, but somehow his wired jokes made me laugh till I forgot all the sadness my life was filled with. The more I got to know him, the more clear it became the two of us belonged together at some point.Not as lovers.Not as friends.Not as soulmates.Not as family. But something totally different. Something based on mirth meant and  fulfillment. I love how on my grumpy days he pulls all the stars down and brings to me just for my smile or to calm my cranky rants he brings ice creams at 3 am.  I remember when we got to know each other he thought I’m pretending and I thought he is faking it like a pro – how we row in the same boat, how we love the same things, how we are so broken by attitude and egoism, how we both were drunk with idea of love and romance . But with time I realize everything happens for a reason. What if we failed in friendships what if we failed in love what if we are tired of being the only one pulling things together what if we are broken on the insides but laughing on the outsides. We will make this happen.  We will make us happen . The weird us. The child cries . The ugly laughter. The unlimited hearts along with curse words. Because u make me feel complete and together we are complete and swithe. Without promises I know I can count on you for more than forever.  I don’t know if this makes me believe in destiny, or fate, or mere coincidence ; but it definitely makes me believe in something blue.

-ElicaFrank

 

She can never be me 

She is not me and never will be me. She won’t get excited about seeing you and counting months then days then hours like me. She won’t pretend to act cool while her insides are on fire like me. She won’t pull you closer in a seductive way and wipe of the sweat on your nose and stick her tongue out to distract you and then push u away like I do. She won’t stay awake all night just for a text from you while you’re busy partying with your friends like I do. She won’t say I’m not mad at you while she is mad at you just because she is afraid of ur anger like me. She won’t sit and imagine gifting you a cat and laugh to her self dreaming about ur expression at 3am like I do. She won’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt while it’s killing inside like me. She won’t agree to everything you say in a blink of eye like I do. She’s won’t get mad at you because you slept in the middle of the conversation , then find it cute and funny and type out long cliché good morning texts for you to wake up to like I do. She won’t look at everything you do behind her back cry alone and act unaware in front of you like I do. when you ask her to write a love letter she won’t fill 72 pages like I did. she won’t go to the kitchen just for you and feed you with her hands the uncooked and overcooked food like I did. She won’t go numb and blank when u surprise her and later send you apologies for her reaction like I did.  she won’t give up in her dreams but keep motivating you like I did .  she wont be all broken herself but lecturing you to be strong like I did.

You sure must dream about you and her together but she will never be me. The sad part here is by the time you realise it will be too late.

-elicafrank

Destructive kind of love ?

They say all is fair in love and war. I love him unconditional and I didn’t fall in love with him , I walked in love with him taking my own sweet time eyes wide open and in all my senses. I didn’t fall in love with what he looks like or what he does. I fell in love with him because of the way he makes me fervent and gives me the seventh heaven feeling. But things change bright day turns into dark night. The leaves turn from lucent green to  yellow then to orange. He has changed , his ways have turned from loving to hurting. Maybe destruction is his kind of love now ?  But they say you do not destruct what you love ? Maybe theres no love left ? Can destruction and love not exist together ? Just like pain and pleasure ?  But honestly  i don’t mind destruction anymore as I am in love with his destruction also.

-elicafrank